Master Key Experience Week 4

Whoa! Whoa!

Week 4 has been a real rollercoaster ride…

After the webinar Sunday night, all I could feel was overwhelm, on the verge of panic. The necessity to give of myself first brought up some very old wounds and defenses.

I haven’t always been a recluse. Used to be I loved going out with friends and having a good time. I was in rock bands, sang and played in front of hundreds of people, could get along with just about anyone.

But over the years, the letdowns in life that happen to most of us hit me particularly hard.

I took many of them personally, and began to distance myself from people, to numb the feelings. Frankly, it was selfishness on my part, but that’s what years of pursuit can do to you (when the pursuit yields nothing but disappointment).

Now the “I” of me is directing my mind and body to do things it’s resisted for so long, and there’s that internal fight between old and renewed.

By Tuesday there was physical manifestation of these feelings, almost like a barrier across my upper torso, trying to keep my heart from breaking free of despair. Perhaps mourning the loss of the old me, the old comfortable shoes that no longer serve, and yet, it was my old comfort for so long.

This sucks, since I’ve been near the point of sobbing almost daily, feeling chained in place, but straining break free… Wanting the fever to break so I can start living the life I’m meant to live, but also wanting to nestle down into the safety and comfort of my hidey-hole. This ambivalence is maddening!

Wednesday morning didn’t really provide any relief, as the old blueprint reared its ugly head in defiance: how dare you try to remove me?! But old habits can only be removed by replacing with new habits, so I’ll keep being like the old Winter Warlock and “Put one foot in front of the other…”

MK 4.12 has been a real kick in the gut! I’ve fallen victim to shiny object syndrome so often, not because I was giving up on something but because I allowed myself to get distracted. I’m incredibly stubborn with some things, and annoyingly flippant about others. So when Haanel says don’t start it if you don’t intend to see it through, whoa!

Then the “Yeah, buts…” start.

Except no. The old programming has NOT gotten me anywhere close to where I want to be, so I’ll not so politely decline.

As Wednesday came to an end, there was a recurring message that kept popping up:

CHANGE!

Coincidence? I think not. Subby picking up the signal?

I read a couple different blog posts discussing change. What struck me was that we typically look at change as something we NEED to do, or that occurs after some major event in our lives. But if you think about it, change is happening every second of the day, all around us.

I kept hearing the John Waite song “Change” in my head. Not that the lyrics are particularly relevant here, except that maybe “what’s in your heart can never change.”

If you look at that line as your true heart, the “I” behind it all, then yes, it doesn’t change, because it doesn’t need to. It’s already good, if we would just listen to it! We have to give up our stubborn need to satisfy the selfishness born out of the noise created by the world without.

Then I saw something my guide Nancy O. posted in Marco Polo: a quote stating, “whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.” Followed up Thursday morning by an enewsletter quoting Rush’s song “Freewill”: “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

Hmm, this change IS a choice, and since “going with the flow” hasn’t really worked out for me, who am I to resist? Change those habits (replace bad for good per Og), and manifest the life you want? Or don’t change, and continue living with the pain…

Action equals intent.

By Friday, the funk was gone and it’s readily apparent to me that change is occurring. Certain things have been falling into place.

Rather than letting change just happen (as it will always do, with or without our influence), my choice to change, and the repetition system Mark and Davene (Guides, Staff) have brought to us, is bearing fruit.

There’s a difference I notice… I can’t really put my finger on it yet, but like the “secrets” in MKE, I’m positive it will be revealed soon!

I finally have the eyes to see them, and I’m getting excited!

Final thought: Change is required, but it’s not FROM who you are, but to get back TO who you are. Leaving the world without behind to get back to the world within.